Hello! Miles Herman, Here.
With the holidays coming up soon, I thought I’d take a moment to talk about how the experiences I have, being who I am, during the holiday season.
And By who I am, I mean Father Christmas.
I love, I seriously love Yule. And that love starts with the day Americans call “Black Friday” and doesn’t stop until the New Year.
I get to weird people out. I get to have a huge amount of people worship me, Hermes, during Black Friday. I get tons of power during the annual rush to stand in line. I’m a god of travel, of commerce, of theft, and chaos. I LIVE for the Holidays.
The longer I keep people traveling, even if it is a really slow movement, the better I get ahead in the game of counting points. I love the whole world trying to solve how I get everything where it needs to be when it needs to be where it needs to be and addressed to the right people. But, I’m not just a god who relishes Chaos.
I can be everywhere, anywhere I want to be in a blink of an eye. I love how people work hard to catch me. A lit fire in the chimney? Traps to catch me? Nothing can get me.
How do I get in and out of houses without chimneys? That’s a divine secret now, lads and lasses. I’m a sneaky guy, always have been. It takes panache to talk your way out of stealing a herd of cows. It takes surprise to please a god with a dead animal skeleton and stretched out intestines by calling it a musical instrument. Hello, I even named it after myself, the Liar! (I still can’t believe Apollo bought it. Sucker.)
That same risky behaviour pays off in relatively the same way when you talk otherwise civilized societies into risking salmonella and ringworm by drinking raw eggs by calling it “nog” (Humans will actually buy anything). There is no animal that I have not talked you guys into eating, and no other time is it as obvious as the Holidays. Bee-vomit soaked pig-butt, raw egg and cow-sweat beverages, really just a marvel that you guys resisted longer.
But you guys want me to talk about how I love Yule. I used to love how people chopped down trees to make way for parking lots. I even like how people replant trees to keep Demeter happy. Not a fan of the plastic tree, it just doesn’t have the same ‘feeling’ as a real holiday. True, you cover the trees in lights, perhaps to make my father happy, but nothing is more amazing to me than to see how different, and how similar, every tree is every year.
I love the milk and cookies. Warm baked goods, left behind for me, and occasionally fruits and veggies for the reindeer are a special treat, and an appreciated payment from the children to me. Santa does prefer a good ol’ fashioned eggnog or a lager every now and again (I keep an elf on standby to help me fly).
Ever hear the phrase “there’s a god that looks out for children?” Yeah, that’s me.
I love children. Not in a “call the cops” sort of way, I’m not a pervert. The happy looks on their faces when they see my representations every year, they see my duplicates at the malls (Every single Mall Santa has a spark of me in him somewhere, and is probably one of my descendants.) I love the candor, their bravery, the fearlessness of children. Children understand me, and I understand them.
And before it becomes a thing, no…Santa hunting is not cool. There is this guy in Texas, or wait, is he in Arizona…whatever, tell that guy to quit going Santa hunting. He’s convinced he’s gonna capture me one year. The whole game is ruined if someone sees us. Don’t follow his example, don’t try to catch me. Stay inside, drink nog and don’t try to watch me. It is a private thing I do and watching me while I am in the living room doing it is just creepy.
That is why I wear the Zeus mask when I go out Santa Clausing. It’s a way to have people think some OTHER guy is the one doing the B&E on the holidays.
But if I had to tell you my absolutely favorite thing about the winter Holiday known as Christmas, I think it would have to be that it is the one day every year that even some of the most cynical, grinchiest people I’ve ever met open up their hearts a little and spread joy.
It’s a holiday of hope, life, light, and children. I’m a thief. I’m a conman and a liar.
But I love Christmas more than this fellow here:
Just… don’t tell anyone if you catch me. It’ll ruin my rep among the trickster gods.